Men & Mood » Church of God 7th Day, Alfred, N.D.

(Longer, unedited version of an article appearing in the June 2006 Issue of the Bible Advocate.)

Women often say that men are like mascara, they run at the first sign of emotion. Yet, little boys are taught early on that men are supposed to be strong and brave, the “John Wayne type” who never cry or show their feelings – “Big Boys Don’t Cry” – that would be a sign of weakness. After all, nobody wants to be around a “momma’s boy” for very long. Perhaps, we should rephrase our question to read, “Can big boys cry, and if so, when should they?” Consider the following two scenarios as you ponder that thought…

You have just tuned into an episode of Overhaulin’ on TLC. Every week, some poor guy is duped into thinking that his beloved old car has been stolen, when in reality it is being restored by a team of experts in a mere seven days. The looming deadline appears to present impossible odds. Yet somehow, someway, the brotherhood of mechanical artists is able to work around the clock and complete their task just in time for a high-drama unveiling before the rightful and astonished owner. TV cameras zoom in on the man, overcome with emotion and speechless at the sight of his newly-restored masterpiece. He may be unable to verbally express himself, but those tears on his face tell it all! I wonder if John Wayne would have cried if his horse got “overhauled?”

Now on to scene two, but take heed, the following example may seem all too real to many a wife and mother. Imagine...a half hour after putting baby to bed, mommy enters baby’s room to check on the little angel. She discovers daddy standing quietly over baby's crib, and watches the mixture of emotions--delight, disbelief, amazement, enchantment—as he hovers over the sleeping infant.
Touched by this unusual display of deep emotion, with eyes glistening she slips her arm around her husband and whispers, “A penny for your thoughts.” "It's amazing!" he whispers in reply. "Do you believe that anyone could have made a crib like that for only 50 bucks!"

So you see that men can cry and show their emotions in certain situations. Do men indeed cry at the wrong time, or do men simply perceive and respond to things differently than women? Are there any real differences between men and women that may help explain why some men respond the way they do? Let’s consider how a few Biblical, biological, and environmental factors may contribute to men’s difficulty with expressing their emotions. The following paragraphs will seek to provide some clues to the “crying game;” yet arriving at a conclusion will involve much more than simply declaring men’s moods as being derived solely from learning sex-role stereotypes passed on from their parents.

From the Beginning…
Could it be possible that God, from the beginning, created men in a way so that they would act and respond differently than women in order to fulfill their respective roles and responsibilities? Let’s turn first to Genesis, God’s spoken Word to men and women for some possible clues.

Adam and Eve initially must have had a great marriage. He didn’t hear from her about all the men she could have married, nor did Eve have to listen to how wonderful his mother’s cooking was. Were Adam and Eve originally designed by God to feel and express their emotions in the same way? Did Adam ever cry as he beheld the wonders of nature, or weep with joy after God created a helpmate for him? We will never know this side of Glory how things might have been. With good purpose, God made both male and female as relational beings, and He equipped both sexes (not just women) with unique emotional tools for relating that were originally designed to fit perfectly into their respective God-given roles. Did something go wrong?

God did tell Adam and Eve how things were going to be after the Fall (Gen. 3:16-20), as well as the NT continues to identify unique God-given roles and spiritual responsibilities for men and women (e.g., Ephesians 5:22-33; Titus Chapter 2). It really wasn’t the apple that caused the Fall; it was the pair on the ground. Healthy male-female roles were instituted by the “Master Designer” from the beginning; yet the emergence of “sin” damaged mankind’s relational “toolboxes,” leading to a distorted perception of how men and women should interact and express themselves. To this day, people are still trying to constantly redefine the roles of men and women in society, much to the chagrin of both sexes.

Male-bashing is all too common today, but we needn’t emasculate our men anymore than we should try to turn women into power-hungry males. Dr. Emerson Eggerich in his popular Love and Respect Video Series values God’s design for men and women and doesn’t try to change our inherent natures or Biblical roles. Rather, he encourages a healthy pattern of relating where a husband will “lovingly” respond to “respectful” behavior from his wife. Men are not intentionally distant and insensitive anymore than women are deliberately moody and disrespectful; they just see and respond to things differently.

So we see that God did, from the beginning, design men and women differently in order to fulfill His purposes. We should not change or adjust those roles to our own liking in order to meet our own sinful wants and desires. But what are some of the created differences, and how are these differences relevant to a boy’s capability or willingness to cry and express his emotions? Some would say it is the old “nature vs. nurture” argument; it’s not easy to separate the effects of genetics versus upbringing, but let’s look at gender differences first, and see how biology provides some further clues to our puzzle…

“Is it in Their Heads?…”
Men may experience difficulty with expressing their emotions, at least in part, due to some biological and hormonal differences between men and women’s brains.

But first, we must remember that brain differences are not a matter of superiority or inferiority, nor do they provide an excuse for how we relate to others; it is a matter of uniqueness as designed by God. Each one of us develops a unique personality and style of relating and communicating based upon a complex mixture of genetic and environmental factors. One size does not fit all for stereotyping men or women. It takes more than a simple androgen bath of testosterone to make an aggressive boy, or a whiff of estrogen to make an emotional girl. Hormones affect our moods, but they do not predetermine how we choose to relate to others.

Generally speaking, studies that examine large populations of men and women continue to find evidence of variations in behavior and brain function between the sexes (beyond the obvious physical differences), present a few months after birth – when social influences are still quite small. Yet, it is interesting to note that these studies also tend to find more variation in “emotional expression” than they do in “emotional experience.” Thus, these brain differences may in fact contribute to the variations in emotional expressiveness between men and women. Men and women may often experience or feel the same emotions; yet when stressed, they express them through differing means... (i.e... some men get busy or angry, some women seek comfort or cry).

A man’s body and brain is therefore different. Recent advancements in brain-imaging scans provide further evidence of how men and women use different parts of their brain to relate and solve problems. Studies continue to indicate that men on average, tend to be physically bigger and stronger than women – they score higher in areas such as independence, dominance, spatial and mathematical skills, and rank-related aggression. Men typically are “right-brained” practical thinkers who like to solve problems, make, fix, and DO things; their emotions and empathy are often expressed through actions rather than using words to describe how they feel. Studies also reveal that men are more aggressive and dominating than women, using power rather than prose to win battles. Investigation of differing cultures also consistently identify women as crying more frequently than men, even in “non-Western” cultures where it may be considered okay for a man to cry. It is hypothesized that men who cry are often perceived as being weak, and are more vulnerable to attack and intimidation by other males.

On the other hand, studies of women’s brains show that women on average fair better than men in human relationship skills, recognizing emotional overtones in others, in verbal and language skills (at an early age), emotional expressiveness and empathy, social skills, and a tendency to be more security-seeking. Thus women tend to use “emotional empathy” that focuses on fostering and maintaining relationships. The areas of the brain that control these factors are actually larger in women than men. Science has yet to determine whether these size differences are due to specialization or usage, much like a muscle that grows with use or atrophies with neglect.

So, we see that some of men’s difficulty with crying and expressing their emotions may be due in part to hard-wiring differences in the brain between men and women. Yet, Biblical roles and biology do not totally explain human behavior – men DO have the ability to express emotions – they may not be as adept or as emotionally sophisticated as women, but they DO have the ability to flex and use their emotional muscles if they want to. Why don’t they at times? Let’s look at the last and often most influential piece in our puzzle for further reasons why some big boys don’t cry.

A Crying Shame…
Dr. Ronald Levant, an expert in male psychology, coined the terms “normative male alexithymia” and “restrictive emotionality” to describe the inability of many males to identify and express their emotions with words in the context of personal relationships. Good-natured humor and family jokes about a man and his emotions may be funny in the right occasion, yet our society continues to teach boys that they shouldn’t cry or show signs of emotional vulnerability. Boys cannot learn what they have never seen modeled in their own father or other important male figures in their lives, nor can women be excused from their fully supporting gender stereotypes as well. How many of you remember Edmund Muske being forced to bow out of the 1972 presidential race when he made the mistake of crying during a speech?

As we alluded to earlier when talking about cultures, men are often taught to not show their emotions, both at home and through the general socialization process. We live a culture that supports emotional developmental for girls, while discouraging it for boys. Boys, after all are taught to be tough, aggressive, and minimize any emotional signs of vulnerability, fear, or hurt. Some grow up never learning how to be emotionally healthy adults and are left with few “emotional tools” to deal with life. They may have also suffered physical, emotional, or sexual abuse at the hands of others, providing further encouragement for them to hide their feelings and chose to never cry or be emotionally vulnerable to anyone again.

Even the physiological effects of emotional tears are important in dealing with stress. Crying reduces stress and helps control the levels of certain chemicals/hormones that manage moods (e.g. manganese, prolactin, and ACTH). Boys who don’t cry, often become men who are ill-prepared to cope with the complexities of adult relationships that require successfully managing stress, conflict, and interpersonal relationships. These “big boys” don’t cry for anyone, they can’t risk it, and thus they pay the price.

So what are the fruits of this labor? What do you get when you add up the pieces of our puzzle? Sin-distorted roles, plus differing biology, plus a double dose of societal/familial indoctrination into gender stereotypes, equals a man-size formula for emotional pain. Granted not everyone turns out this way. There are men who grow up in healthy homes and learn how to cry or express themselves. Yet, the percentage remains lower than you might think. Many grown men lack the ability to cope emotionally with life’s difficulties and frequently become susceptible to stress-related illnesses and early death. No wonder men have higher rates of substance abuse, domestic violence, and other pathological behaviors. Sadly, current trends reveal that, in rates of divorce and family discord, Christian men are not much better off than their secular counterparts.

So, we have come to the point in our discussion where we may conclude that big boys CAN and DO cry, but they are usually not encouraged to do it. Big boys have the capability to improve their ability to recognize and express their own emotions, yet they are usually not required to do so until the day after they get married. They knew how to use their “power tools” to solve problems, but now many are called upon to use their neglected “empathy tools.”

For some men it may seem too late in the game to change sides; yet in every case, the final transforming piece of the puzzle can be found through developing a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Despite the confusion society brings to the table, no better example is available for men to pattern their life after than that of Christ. Men do not need to be more like women; they need to be more like Jesus.

Authentic vs. Inauthentic Men
In his book The Silence of Adam, Christian psychologist Dr. Larry Crabb briefly describes the differences between what he calls an “authentic man” versus an inauthentic one. The “Inauthentic Man” is noted to be outwardly controlling, destructive, and selfish…while underneath lives a man who truly feels powerless, terrified, and angry. Denial often remains one of life’s greatest rivers to cross (pun intended). Depression, irritability, and anger often push others away and protect the frightened little boy inside from facing his own fears. These men feel incomplete, struggle with limited ways of expressing themselves, and will use either power or sex as their primary means of relating. These macho men wouldn’t dare let someone see them cry. Pride, and a risk of showing weakness or vulnerability prevent these men from seeking the help they need, often leading to disastrous results (Prov. 14:12).

These “incomplete” men may even be our Church leaders or brothers in Christ; yet they remain enslaved by a sinful need for power and control, keeping them from becoming truly effective ministers of the Gospel. These men want to be more like the Jesus who led others, knew all things (Matt. 12:25), indignantly overturned the temple tables (Matt. 21:12), and called the Pharisees “a brood of vipers” (Matt. 3:7). They misconstrue Jesus to be an arrogant and powerful Savior who was in charge – showing no signs of weakness, much to the contrary of Jesus ministry of Servant-hood.

By far the greatest challenge for the 21st Century man is to be like Jesus, who was God’s perfect example of a man. Yet, Jesus’ “masculinity” remains a mystery to many modern men. This matches the Jews of His day, who were mystified and disappointed because He rode humbly into town on a lowly donkey instead of a triumphant entry on a white horse. They didn’t understand what it meant to be a Godly man then, nor do enough of us understand or choose to follow Christ’s teachings now.

Becoming an “Authentic Man” in Christ.
In contrast, Crabb portrays The “Authentic Man” as a man who pursues an active Faith in Christ that brings freedom from fear and condemnation, and empowers one to live a purposeful life in Christ that is loving and assertive, yet gentle and forgiving. An “Authentic Man” learns to lead with conviction, but can also submit to others with humility. He understands that choosing to live a life in Christ is not some kind of magic that ends at conversion; instead it begins a soul-inspiring process of sanctification that can prevent further “calcification” of the heart and mind. True courage is revealed in the “Authentic Man’s” life when he not only admits that he too is a creature vulnerable to emotional struggles, but also when he accepts the responsibility to do something about it.

An “Authentic Man” also permits himself to be released from the sin and guilt of the past and doesn’t resort to blaming his father or family for his actions by claiming, “That’s how I was raised.” The “Authentic Man” no longer “suffers in silence,” but chooses to expose the emotional scars and allow Christ to apply the healing balm that renews a right spirit within him (Ps. 51:10). He accepts adoption as a “child” of God, the Heavenly Father and receives the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome his fears and re-parent the little boy inside who longs to be delivered (Romans 8:15-16).

The “Authentic Man” becomes a “big boy” who can rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (Romans 12:5). He becomes like David who mourned for Absalom (2 Samuel 18:33), Peter who wept bitterly after denying Christ (Matthew 26:75), and the exiles who wept loudly and rejoiced at the rebuilding of the temple (Ezra 3:13). These men can now come to know and follow the gentle Jesus who was called “The Good Shepherd” and “The Suffering Servant.” They can identify with a Jesus who wept (John 11:35), who displayed and expressed compassion for the people (Matt. 15:32), who was forgiving (Luke 23:34), and who revealed his dependence on God in his time of greatest need (Luke 22:42).

The Power of Submission and Accountability to Others
After both gaining an accurate understanding of the difference between God’s and society’s standards for men, and then choosing to follow Christ, one may assume that our “big boy” has now become a man who possesses the tools to honestly express himself and become an effective minister of the Gospel. But as the saying goes – “No man is an island unto himself.” We all covet the Holy Spirit’s power and discernment as we await the Lord’s return; yet the sinful effects of Adam and Eve’s fall still stains our existence, and Satan is hard at work convincing mankind to constantly redefine what it means to be a “real” man or woman.

Christian men will need to enlist Godly mentors who can help them traverse the paths of life and maintain a healthy concept of what it means to follow Christ’s example. Christ displayed the full range of emotions and showed us how to be a “real” man (Heb. 4:15). If Christian men truly want to remain emotionally healthy and be “big boys” who can both lead and not be afraid to cry, then they must also be willing to submit to other men and be held accountable for their words and deeds ( e.g. Promise Keepers or Accountability Groups). The Adversary seeks to destroy our lives and relationships with others; yet Godly men can sustain their spiritual and emotional growth in Christ when they choose to remain firmly grounded in the Word of God and submit to one another.

As it is written, “…no eye has seen, nor ear heard, neither has it entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him… (1 Corinthians 2:9). I’m willing to bet that many a “big boy’s” eyes will glisten with tears when this comes to pass.

©2006 By David Listul, MS, LPCC (You are free to make copies of this article for personal use only. Distribution for any other purpose requires written permission from the author.)